We've been travelling for 24 hours; me, the partner and two nippers. We're on the third and final flight of our journey (yes, that's right people; THIRD). We're over the worst of it. We've survived the 12 hour flight from Santiago to Auckland with only a few trauma wounds, and we're now on the cruisey 4 hour direct to Sydney. Easy.
For the first 2 hours the girls pass out. They're so delirious they don't even wake for the food - which is usually the highlight of a flight -. I doze in and out of consciousness, watch a few scenes of a movie on the person's tv in front of me, and obsessively click on the "time to destination" icon on my screen.
This is serenity.
*************
The 1 year old shifts position on her father's lap.
Father opens his eyes.
I draw a breath.
Time stands still for a split second.
*************
With her left leg 1 year old kicks 3 year old in the head.
The 3 year old screams.
The 1 year old screams.
1 year old and 3 year old keep screaming.
We hush, we comfort, we scold, I cry, we bribe with cookies, lollies, promises of a lifetime of ice cream upon our arrival, we pretend they're not ours....and then, from the row in front of us comes a deafening;
"SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Surely not.
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" again.
"Seriously, did you just hear that?"
We decide to split up. I take the big one for a walk up one side of the plane and the father takes the small one. I hang out in the toilet with the 3 year old (not hard to see eye to eye in a plane loo) and with a sweet smile and a grip on her arm - that might be ever so slightly too tight - I relay comforting words;
"I understand that you're tired after such a long journey, and you've been such a good girl but we're going to be home really soon so can you please just try to hold it together?"
We exit the matchbox to find the little one running riot up and down the aisles poking her head around seats to say "HELLOOOOO" to snoozing passengers.
As we return to our seats, refreshed after our 15 mins jaunt around the plane, the aforementioned "Shhhhhers" are still shifting about in their seats and straining their necks to give us the evil eye. Incredulously the main offending "Shhhher" is a mother - her son is in his 20s. I start plotting my revenge attack but when it comes to the crunch I don't do or say anything, instead I just sit there with my hands over my kids mouths praying for a speedy landing.
I understand it’s irritating being on a flight with screaming children. You’re looking forward to watching a movie or having a nap and you’ve got a wailing baby in your ear. It grates your nerves. I get it. So, I've come up with a few handy tips on how to deal with flying with the potential of having screaming child/ren in your vicinity;
1. Don't SHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ever. It's F**KED UP.
2. Why don't you ask if there's anything you can do to help. That would be lovely.
3. Have a little think about how the parents of the screaming children are feeling. Here's a little clue; They're in a darrrrrrrrk place.
4. Buy some headphones which block out sound - or at least muffle sound. That would help.
5. Be kind.
This is hilarious!! And SO trueeee!!
ReplyDeletePoppy, this blog makes me feel comforted in the knowledge that I am not the only one living on the thread of insanity with 2 small ones. We flew from London to Mexico City over Christmas and had to be separated as a family. I asked to swap seats with a young couple and a single man so we could sit together and they said NO. I felt no guilt during the inevitable periods of crying that followed during the 12 h flight.
ReplyDelete"don't be an asshole" is such good advice!
Xx
Longhaul Screamers. I have the answer to this problem....and it works. Go to Bunnings. Ask one of those helpful fat people you see in the ads to direct you to the earplugs section. Buy some industrial earplugs, (make sure they are the INDUSTRIAL one's shaped like little yellow penises) ; they come in a handy small container that clips shut, so you can always have some in your handbag.
ReplyDeleteI use these on Citirail trains, my hearing has been damaged by these monsters (train brakes - more shrill than screamers, though this could be debatable), and on longhaul flights. It takes the edge off, all sounds become distant and unannoying. You might just miss the "prepare to exit via the emergency exit" warning, but hey, anything's worth a bit of shuteye, right?